Rambling.

Sam’s grandmother is in the hospital and we’ve all been cautioned that she is dying. Sam does not want to go say goodbye. I respect that. My only concern is that one of my biggest regrets was not driving in a day early to tell my grandfather goodbye before he passed away but the relationship Sam has with them is totally different. I just hope he will be at peace with it.

Sam’s family has an interesting dynamic. He is very close to his mother’s side of the family and his relationship with his father’s side is almost non-existant. I’ve gotten to know a few of those relatives via the internet (thanks internet!) and while I don’t think they are that bad and I am more than happy to provide them with updates on Katelyn, I don’t push him to bond. Any updates I’ve gotten about his grandmother have come in the form of a short phone call with his mom, an e-mail, and facebook updates. He gives me a quick re-cap occasionally. He doesn’t do well with emotions. He never has and I don’t anticipate that will ever change.

I’ve only met his grandmother once. She sends cards and presents for Katelyn and I keep her supplied in photos. She sent Katelyn a gorgeous quilt for her baby dolls a few months ago. Katelyn was not even a year old when she met Ila so I doubt she will remember her and quite honestly, I don’t know much about them to tell Katelyn anything when she does get older.

Sam’s maternal grandmother, on the other hand, is a different story. She is G.G. and Katelyn knows (and adores) her. It makes me sad in a way that Katelyn will grow up how I did, not really knowing her dad’s side of the family very much. Or at least the older generations.

I was sitting here at lunch reading the relatives sad updates on Facebook wondering if they think I’m some cold, callous asshole because I have not posted an update, or even prayer request. Sam is such a private person and I don’t feel like it’s my place to do that. Maybe they haven’t even noticed. Either way, I’m grieving. I’m grieving for a woman I didn’t really get to know who had a part in creating the man that I love. And I’m sad that my daughter is losing a great grandparent that she won’t ever get to know. She already lost three before her arrival. And one not long before she was born. I was so glad that he knew I was pregnant before he died.

He would have been crazy about her.

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