Death and the little person.

K has been to one funeral in her almost 4 years. She attended a graveside service for my dear friend’s father back in December.

Today we said goodbye to her great grandmother. On the way to New Mexico yesterday I got a call from my mother that my great uncle had also passed away. It always happens in 3’s.

Sam’s mom and I have always had an interesting relationship. It’s not that she doesn’t like me, but I always feel like she doesn’t. She’s kind of a coarse person by nature and I still feel like I’m learning to navigate that at times. Last night, eating dinner at his aunt and uncle’s house she got me to come sit between her and Sam’s dad on the couch (a tiny fit) and for the first time since we met, I felt like family. Sam’s dad is always proud of us and likes to show us off and she shows Katelyn off but last night I could tell it was important to her to have me close and that was nice.

We didn’t attend the visitation because I didn’t want to freak out the kiddo with a body. She’s handling the concept of death well but I didn’t want to push our boundaries either. So instead we went to Pizza Hut (small towns have limited food options!) and bought fireworks.

We had planned on going to their local fireworks show but that was not to be.

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It got totally rained out. So we had our own mini show at home instead with the Daddy person running out into the rain. The lighting on top of fireworks was pretty amazing.

The funeral was hard. Sam’s grandparents have been married for 64 years. I went up to his grandfather to offer my condolences and he began to cry. He managed to tell me how beautiful Katelyn was. I rubbed his back. I don’t do death and grief well at all.

I thought the casket was going to be closed for the service so I decided to take K in to show her where we would be and she spotted Ila Jean quicker than I did. It really upset her so we went out. Thankfully they had it closed before we went back in.

The service was beautiful. Sam’s mom got up and spoke and I saw her in a totally new light. It was sweet and funny and heart warming. I was so proud of her and to be a part of his family.

The cemetary was a little more interesting. The pall bearers couldn’t get the casket to level very well and my 3 year old was marching around telling random people “She’s going to hit her head like that!”

My sweet, sweet girl.

When we got home I told Sam we need to get married. I don’t want to be at his funeral, or him at mine and the years to be much shorter than what they really are. I don’t want Katelyn to have to worry about that either. And more importantly I think I finally feel like part of his family and ready to take this step.

It’s strange even to me that that may have been what was holding me back.

I have a heavy heart tonight because we’re facing yet another funeral in the next few days. The older generations are getting older and I’m getting older too.

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