Baby fever.

My baby will be 4 in less than a month. I did okay when she turned 1, panicked when she turned 2, 3 was no big deal, and now 4 is making me want to have an anxiety attack. I guess the even years will be the hard years for me.  Some days when we are having a real grown up conversation it still creeps me out. I cannot believe I am the mom of a child in the group that comes after toddler. What is that group anyway? Pre-schooler? Little adult? 4 going on 24?!

I’ve been cautioned by not one, but two doctors to not have another baby. Between endometriosis, my strange autoimmune disease, pre-e history and now high blood pressure it just doesn’t sound like a good plan. And then there was that time a radiologist had me literally sign a waiver understanding I might be frying my reproductive organs for some weird imaging scan that would distinguish what fun issues I was really having. My poor ovaries might really be half dead.

But much like the I need a new tattoo itch I get occasionally – baby fever sets in.

K has been so amazing and being a mom is awesome and all of that sappy stuff.  Sometimes I look at her and I think it’s just a genetic waste for Sam and I to not have another baby. I mean she is gorgeous, and intelligent and pretty perfect. I also don’t want to push my luck and leave Katelyn momless because I’m being selfish either.

Sam’s cousin has an 18 month old that was crawling all over him a couple of days ago and it was nice to see him with a toddler again.

And then reality hits. A fit is thrown, a mess is made, I get to sleep for 8 hours uninterrupted and I realize I don’t necessarily need a baby around. I mean who wants to breastfeed around the clock, not get more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time and start over with potty-training. People who have baby after baby are crazy. Right?

I’m an only child. Sam had a brother that died in infancy so he was more or less an only child. We both survived. And we haven’t killed each other yet. I dread when our parents are elderly and need assistance and we are the only option that they have. I don’t want Katelyn to shoulder than burden by herself either when we are old and annoying.  She has friends at Pre-K that have siblings, pregnant moms etc and she asks us a lot when she is going to be a sister. I try to dash her hopes quickly by reminding her that a baby would take up a lot of mom’s time and attention and she shrugs and says “I’ll share.”  I don’t think she fully grasps just how much sharing that would mean however.

It’s so ironic to help kids find forever homes for a living and yet not be jumping to adopt our own. I guess some day we’ll cross that bridge. I get asked a lot when we will have another baby. It’s hard to explain that for the past 10 years my reproductive organs have been non-compliant assholes and post pregnancy my whole body has decided to suck. It’s even harder to explain that I had the world’s worst pregnancy and the thought of it being half that bad another time while taking care of a child is enough to make me cry just thinking about it. I read a “response” once to tell annoying people who ask when you will have another baby: We stopped at perfection. I haven’t actually used it yet but I plan to try it some day.

Maybe I’ll just wait to re-analyze and find a doctor crazy enough to agree with me when Katelyn is like 10 and can actually take care of a sibling.

That sounds like a better plan.

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