Near death.

I am not good at emotions most of the time. I used to write when I was feeling more of them than I could handle and that is why I’m writing today.

When I was little, I got really sick. I wound up having to be airlifted to a large hospital a long way from home. I flat-lined 3 times on the flight and was in a coma for several days. I woke up. I was lucky. A few days after I was taken off life support and awake, I had a nurse tell me that I was lucky because another boy had died from what I had a few weeks before. That still sticks with me. For a long time I dealt with survivor’s guilt. I couldn’t understand why God let me live but took another life in the same way. People would tell me “Oh God isn’t through with you” or other sentiments and it never took that sting away. I was at an age when I was probably just starting to understand the finality of death when it happened. And after that I was never afraid to die. When I was in a coma, I saw things. I was in a beautiful place with animals that talked and fields and fields of flowers. A counselor once told me that I had a “near death experience.” While I was wherever I was, a Pegasus would come and I would ride it. It would fly to a bright light and I would pull back on it’s mane telling it to stop, I wasn’t ready. Then I was convinced I had been somewhere not of this Earth and that I fought hard because I wasn’t ready to die. I thought that the bright light was “the gate” and I wasn’t ready to go.

As I got older and learned about our cruel world my faith in God has been shaken. As I tried to find my path as an adult, I often feel like I’m not doing enough.

And today in a blink of an eye my faith has been restored to the point it was when I woke up from that coma and knew God existed and was looking out for me.

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. I was running late and sat at red light after red light frustrated. Our area is overcrowded and there are fatal wrecks almost daily, so I do my best to drive cautiously and pay attention at all times.

About half way to my doctor’s office, I got into the passing lane to accommodate cars getting on to the highway. There was a car ahead of me that just didn’t look right. A few seconds later I realized it didn’t look right because it was coming at me.  I was able to get over in the right lane. A few seconds later, the car coming the wrong way flew past me in the middle of both lanes. I had to swerve off of the road to avoid being hit. Cars in front of me had also done the same. I was able to get a decent look at the driver. I thought it was an elderly man. Short grey hair and glasses barely looking over the steering wheel. There was a handicap sign hanging from the rear view mirror. I immediately called 911. The dispatcher asked where exactly the car was and explained they had received a few calls and that law enforcement was on the way. I pulled myself together and went on my way. I felt so helpless in that moment. I was lucky. I had seen the car. I was able to avoid it.

About 3 miles later I began to hear the sirens. Ambulances, first responders, police cars flying down the road. I knew in that moment that another driver had not been so lucky. A co-worker had called while I was on the phone with 911. I called her back from my doctor’s office parking lot. She started trying to find information online because I was sure someone had been killed.

News reports began to trickle online. Double fatality.

When I came back by the accident I had to pull over and throw up. The car that was hit was destroyed. The front end was completely obliterated. I knew then had I been the car hit, I would have died.

The elderly driver ended up rolling and was also killed. I made it home and I’m sitting here in a haze.

I had I not got stuck at those red lights, I may have met this car sooner. Had I been 5 minutes later, same thing. Something or someone was really looking out for me today. In the moment that I jerked my car out of the way I immediately saw my daughter’s face. No talking animals and flowers this time. Just my sweet baby girl. I don’t know how well she would fare without her momma.

I am so blessed today. Blessed to be alive. I am blessed every day. My faith in God is always there but today I feel like I need to re-group and re-focus. My work here is not done yet. And I hope it’s not done for a long, long time.

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