The right thing to do.

Penny is still pacing at night. It finally occurred to me this morning that her “great” appetite is actually her forgetting that she just ate. That realization was pretty heart shattering. I have such a love/hate relationship with denial.

She’s keeping us up. She’s exhausting herself. Other than the random “who and where I am” moments she has, she looks like her old self. She’s put weight back on. She is up and down the stairs in one bound. Our biggest issue aside from the constant anxiety is the fact that all potty training skills have gone out the window. We can deal with that.

But my girl is gone. 

I will give the Anipryl more time. She’s not in any pain. But she’s not there either. Most of the time I think she has some recollection of who we are but probably not in a normal way. Sometimes she looks right through me. 

How do you ever know when it’s “time?” Is it fair of me to let her wander through the house until she gets exhausted and falls asleep where she stands? Anipryl can take up to 30 days to show full effects. She will start on her 15th day tomorrow.

I still cannot imagine life without my PB girl. I stopped crying and moping and started coping. I love on her and tell her how magical she is any time she will let me. But I am so scared she’s feeling trapped in her own body when I see the occasional flicker of hi, mom in her eyes. What a horrible way to be.

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