It isn’t always goodbye – is it?

Today has been the most painful of my life. Penny had an exeptional day yesterday. She went outside, she clicked through the house, she kissed my face.

At about 5 am the cat (the stray – the nicer of the two) woke me up by smacking my face several times. I heard coughing and found Penny on the floor a few feet away in the middle of a seizure.

I immediately laid by her side and told her I was there and that I loved her. She didn’t come out of it for about 30 minutes and I have no idea how long she seized before I got to her.

She never got back up. She turned away her favorite food and wouldn’t drink water out of my hand. She looked at me with more sadness in her eyes than I have ever seen. I had wanted a sign and I think that was it. Or at this point I have to tell myself that was it.

I took a shower sobbing and praying I would be strong enough to do the right thing.

I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror saying over and over “You can do this because you love her.”

I woke Sam up and told him it was time. We got Katelyn up and dressed and she loved on Penny who was totally unresponsive at that point. We got her to school.

And we took Penny to the vet. We had to wait forever and she stayed in my lap hardly moving. My mom met us at the vet. Sam had to leave to go to work and we waited some more.

We eventually got into a room and the vet looked at me and said “Not getting better is she.” I started sobbing asking if I was doing the right thing. I know he couldn’t tell me to do it but what he said was enough “You aren’t doing the wrong thing.”

Release forms were signed. End of life wishes were provided.

Then they came in. They made me step back. She hates the vet or anyone messing with her feet and she had a look of sheer terror in her eyes. I lunged for her, my mom held me. Once they got the medicine in they let me hold her. And within 5 seconds she was gone.

I’ve read that a dog who lets go that easily is ready and that it’s time. We stayed with her for about 10 minutes  She looked so peaceful on the table once it was over. And I felt a huge weight lift off of my chest.

I don’t know if I will ever not feel guilty about what happened today but I know I couldn’t live with myself if I held on to her for myself. My girl was gone weeks ago and glimmers of her may have been enough for me but that isn’t a good life. And I could not have ever rationalized putting her through another seizure. They have just gotten worse each time.

The house feels so empty. Miles goes from his spot, to her bed, to every room in the house. Right now he’s snuggled up on the couch with me. I know he is also grieving. He wasn’t even a year old when Penny came.

 

Penny chose me to be her momma. Today I chose to give Penny peace.

And I can only hope and pray I did the right thing, the best thing. And that she’s sunning her tummy at the Rainbow Bridge.

I’ll see you again some day Penny girl. Thank you for 8 wonderful years of unconditional love. I hope I loved you half as much as you loved me.

 

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2 thoughts on “It isn’t always goodbye – is it?

  1. Sincerely, Your Front Desk Girl says:

    Sorry for your loss. I’m truly moved. Keep blogging!

    • lindsey5103 says:

      Thank you. I haven’t blogged in years! I started this one a couple of months ago and it’s been the one time I’ve been able to sort through my thoughts about Penny (and everything else) so I’m glad I started again.

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