Hurting.

When does it stop hurting? When will I smile when I think of her instead of sobbing?

I’ve had a few minutes today where I’ve felt relatively okay. I went to work. I survived. But the house feels so damn empty. I’ve known for weeks that her passing would be a breaking point for me but I am still finding the sadness overwhelming. It’s a deep pain in my chest that does not go away. It sounds horrible but I’ve grieved harder for Penny that I did for my Pa that I thought hung the moon.

I realized this morning through tears that I’m not sure I’m regretting putting her to sleep but that I’m so angry at myself that I couldn’t fix it for her this time. A kind word and scratch behind the ears was not going to make my girl better.

I’ve felt a quiet peace a few times today and I’ve convinced myself it’s Penny and she wants me to be happy. And then I feel crazy.

I suppose all of this is normal. She was my constant companion for 8 years.

Miles seems to be coping. He lays around with a sad look in his eyes but still gets excited to play fetch, eat and get tummy rubs. I let him smell the blanket she was in when she passed and he let out a guttural noise I’ve never heard from him before. I think then he knew. And I think true to the pure genuineness only a dog can have – he’s accepted she is gone.

The little cat whose only been here a few weeks did not know the Penny we all knew. She has been such a sweet baby, curling up on me and purring. I truly think now that God sent her to me to help me get through this. Roxy has been hiding all day and I believe grieving in her own way for her buddy before Lila came.

Katelyn is objective in that she knows she is in Heaven, isn’t in pain. She’s said several times we can still talk to her and look at her pictures. She’s requested a funeral. And then one word from me and she’s screaming and angry. I don’t know how to make it easier for her. I told her tonight that it’s okay to be mad and it’s okay to be sad. She sobbed “I just miss her.”

I miss her too. More than I ever imagined I would.

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4 thoughts on “Hurting.

  1. Unfortunately, I am with you on this having lost my best, best friend. I haven’t been able to blog about it. She was the flower girl in my wedding…I’m still devastated, its been months and I knew it was coming too…hugs to you…I’m so sorry for your loss 😦

    • lindsey5103 says:

      I’m sorry for your loss too! We had a couple of weeks to prepare and I tried my best to spend every second telling her how much I loved her and how very thankful I was she was in my life but I don’t think it’s made it any easier for me. I knew it was going to be awful but I never dreamed it was going to hurt this bad. I think blogging has been the only time I feel like I can talk about her without sobbing. I have to pray over and over at night that she’s at peace. I feel like she will never forgive me for having her put to sleep even though I know she was suffering.

      • I feel like I’ve scarred my children with all of my crying 😦 I started to write a post, but I can’t get through it without crying…but it does help I think. We’ll see how long it takes me to put it up there. You absolutely did what was best. My little Lucy was in so much pain in the last minutes I was willing it to be over for her 😦 Please don’t beat yourself up over it!

      • lindsey5103 says:

        I’m sure your Lucy is playing with my Penny. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made though I was like you. I couldn’t stand to see her sick anymore. We’re going through the same thing with my little girl. She’s at an age where acceptance comes easy for her but she’s having angry outbursts and will eventually start crying that she misses Penny. I had Penny and our other dog, Miles for years before my daughter came along. They were my first babies.

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