Letting go.

I’ve been up for 2 hours and have not cried today. We took Miles for a ride last night after Sam got in and I got so overwhelmed that we had to come home so I could throw up. I’ve managed to sleep though not well. And I still wake up earlier than I need to.

I feel like 5:30 – 6:00 in the morning was our witching hour. It was when I would wake up and stumble through the house until I found her. Two of those times in the middle of seizures.

I keep thinking if I could just have a sign that she is okay, that she doesn’t hate me for killing her. Mike saw her in a dream the night she died. I was angry that she had not come to me. Why can’t my subconscious be nice and give me that peace?

And then my little woke up.

“Good morning, momma. I saw Penny and Belle and they were playing in Heaven. They were running and running. Penny told me not to cry.”

And the weight has lifted. Penny wouldn’t want me to be this way. She’s forgiven me for leaving to go to work, for having a baby, for getting a cat. She will forgive me for the euthanasia. I know dogs don’t fear death like humans and they live for the moment. And I know on Thursday she just wasn’t feeling up to living for her favorite things anymore. I keep trying to convince myself that I gave Penny the greatest gift of all – peace. She needed to rest.

I hope someday I also dream about her. I think I will miss her for the rest of my life.

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