Ache.

I woke up this morning with the undeniable sting that something was wrong. I cannot believe how much I am grieving. Even years ago the sheer thought of losing Miles or Penny used to bring a tear to my eye so I knew it was going to be rough but the helpless feeling is so overwhelming.

Last night I thought I was going to get a bath alone (without a four year old and her 50 thousand cold toys!) and I was actually dreading being alone – even just to take a bath. The past few nights when I would bathe or shower in the mornings Penny would come in and try to jump in with me. Years ago, healthy Penny would come lay in the bathroom to wait to lick water or lotion off of my legs.

Anyway, about 30 seconds after I started the water -in come the cats. And they sat on the edge of the tub the whole time I was in there. So, I’m never really alone at our house. It was nice.

Roxy is really grieving for Penny which is surprising to me. They were buddies but I thought the addition of the kitten would help. She goes to places she’s never hid before and stays there until Sam comes home. She comes out to eat and retreats back. The day it happened, she laid in the spot on the floor where Penny had the seizure off and on for hours.

Miles does a morning walk through of the house and even asks to look in the garage. Last night I was holding her collar and he came over to investigate. He smelled it and again made that awful deep sound I’ve never heard from him. He then wagged his tail and clicked away. He is doing much better than  I thought he would and I am grateful for that.

Katelyn is really doing okay too. Yesterday she asked to say a prayer for Penny and it went something like this “God, please take good care of Penny. She needs medicine and a new body. I know that she is playing and happy. Tell her we love her and we miss her a lot. And be sure to get her her medicine. Amen.”

I cried happy tears after that.

Dogs do go to Heaven right?

I made it until about 9 last night before crumbling into pieces. Yesterday I had resolved that Penny used to hate when I cried so I should stop. That got me through the day. I even shopped for urns without crying. We are having her cremated because this is not her home. And I will not leave her here. They really do have some beautiful options for animals.

When her ashes come home we will have a memorial. I keep telling myself it is for Katelyn (she asked if we could get lots of flowers like we did for Great Grandma when she passed) but I really think it’s for me.

I’ve really started noticing the differences between Miles and Penny now that she is gone. Penny wanted to be inside. She wanted to be near me. Miles prefers the yard. He will come in for a quick snuggle and want back out. He won’t sleep with me at night. He’s much more independent. Though as I type this, sitting in the floor, he is snuggled up to my leg.

The last few weeks I’ve dedicated every second to her. When she slept, I researched online. I stayed up all hours of the night trying to soothe her to sleep or flying up in a panic to find her and make sure she hadn’t died. She was starting to consume my life in a way that a healthy dog does not. So now it’s more empty than ever.

And I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I miss my girl.

 

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