It’s been a rough few days. Each morning around 11 my heart sinks all over again. But today I think I finally realized that the seizure Penny had was horrific. In the 30 minutes that I watched her going through it I was terrified. When she came out her eyes were so sad.
And I did what I did out of love. I put aside my selfishness of wanting her to live forever and did what I had to do to give my girl some peace. I let go of my expectations and realized she did not deserve to suffer. I really think she held on because of me. I never dreamed I would lose her so soon.
Today Katelyn and I took Miles to the park. Miles, Penny and I used to go to the park in Lubbock a lot when I was stressed or worried and we would walk forever. It was the one time I felt I could truly think.
And today, with just one dog and my other hand clenched like I was holding two – we walked.
There is a huge void here and one I’m not sure will ever go away. I’ve prayed and prayed to God for a sign that she is happy and knows that I love her. I think they’ve been all around me but I’ve been too grief stricken to notice until tonight.
Katelyn and I took Miles for another walk tonight around the block and about two houses down from ours we started watching a feather that floated gently by us to the end of the block. It then fell at my feet. I scooped it up and said a prayer.
If you’ve met Miles then you know he hates birds. They cannot land on the deck near his water or food without him going crazy.
I found it very fitting that my “sign” was a feather and perhaps my girl wanting to annoy Miles just a little.
And at times the tears feel like they will never stop coming. But other times I think of her and smile.
Penny was my soul mate. She stuck by me through some of the hardest times in my life. And somewhere deep inside I know she’s still sticking with me whether that be in spirit or in my heart.
That will have to be enough for me tonight.