Tears still coming.

Mornings are worse than the rest of the day. I wake up and feel like it’s all been a horrible dream.

I’ve started to realize that letting her go was an act of love and not something to feel guilty about. I loved her enough to let her go. To rest. To have peace.

After she died, her eyes were open. And for the first time in weeks they looked like her eyes. Her healthy, happy, not lost eyes.

I think that should have been enough for some peace for me too.

I keep seeing weird signs. I’ve prayed and prayed God will allow me to see her one more time just to know that she is happy, healthy. Okay.

That she knows I did it because I loved her. I think these signs have been all around me and I’ve been too consumed with guilt and grief to see them. 

I keep reading message boards etc and everyone says “get another dog.” One day we will – in honor of our girl. We have a lot of love to give and the best way to honor her is to save another life. Like we saved hers. Like she saved mine. 

But not now. Probably not soon. A few days ago I swore I would never, ever, ever have another dog. I would love Miles and go through this hell again with him when it was time but I would never do it again.

But as I watch him mope around the house and remember that Penny hasn’t truly played with him in years like she used to – I think another dog might be what we all need. Miles is still relatively young. He still has a lot of energy. If I could find a dog that he could love and accept too.

But not today. Not next week. Probably not in 6 months.

I keep thinking I will feel better when her ashes come home. She will be home. It will not be the same but at least a tiny piece of the empty will go away. The vet told me it may seem like it takes forever because of the long weekend. It has. 

I feel like I am the only one missing her, aside from Roxy and Miles. And that hurts.

I’m so thankful Katelyn is still at the age that she can talk about Heaven and smile and move on. 

I know Penny is in Heaven and that she will wait for me. I was just not ready to let her go. If I could run back and grab her off the table I would. 

I feel like I will never get over this.

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