I am second.

All of this upheaval lately has me really soul searching.

We don’t go to church. Katelyn is enrolled at a Pre-K in a church. I’ve been thankful for that because she’s learned a lot about God and Jesus that way without me stumbling about how to talk to her about it in age appropriate ways.

I believe in God. I pray daily. I don’t know if that’s “enough” but for me it’s always felt like enough.

But lately I’ve felt so conflicted. I’ve been so angry. Life seems unfair. And exhausting.

With my job – I give. And give. And give. With little appreciation in return.

I mean, I’m sure it’s there but most of the kids I work with hate me now. Maybe when they’re older they’ll look back and think “Hey I had that one social worker that one time that didn’t suck..”

 

But the truth is – I do suck. There’s too much to do all the time to be “good” at what I do. Too much paperwork, too much time in court, too many things happening at once to get through them all.

Work spills into home and then I feel like a horrible mother. My phone rings at least once a night when we are home. Often more than that. Most of the time the calls can be ignored until the next day but some cannot. And that is when Katelyn gets upset.

And home spills into work. There are days I need to stay late but can’t because I have to pick K up from school. Sam rarely gets off work in time.

And then resentment spills into home. Sam works a lot. So I am parenting, alone, a lot.

It’s hard. It’s hard not to be angry. Katelyn loves him but is so attached to me that even when he’s home she runs to me.

So I give and give and give. And there is nothing left for me.

We’ve taken off several days this week to try and reconnect as a family. I really feel like everything is at stake right now. We’re so exhausted that the love we all have for one another is masked by everything else.

This morning I’ve been reading the I am Second website and watching videos. Something is missing in my life. And beyond the hole Penny has left in my heart – I know it’s deeper than that. I need to reconnect with God.

So this morning, I’ll reconnect with God. This afternoon we will spend time together and re-prioritize.

There’s more to life than stress. We just have to get there.

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