30.

It’s been one month today since Penny died. I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to write about her but every time I’ve sat down I just can’t find the words. I’ve been sickish this weekend. I have not eaten since Friday and have no desire to try. The past couple of weeks I tried to convince myself it was nerves and that might have been what started it but now something is definitely not good. Katelyn made a pretty picture of Penny in Heaven this morning so that may have to suffice as my tribute today because emotionally I am just not ready to really process my feelings about her anymore.

So instead I’ve been job searching. I always have the option of transferring when we move but as I’ve said before – I’m not sure that’s the route I want to take.

The job market in Lubbock is interesting. There are a lot of jobs I have no desire in learning more about. Texas Tech is hiring for over 500 positions – some of which I’m definitely qualified for but just don’t seem interested in.

You would think the ability to multi-task like a crazy person, manage the lives of 50 kids (or more!) write legal documents, testify like a pro, AND create beautiful community collaborations would make you qualified for something… right?

Bleh.

I really, really need my Masters. But unfortunately between being Mom and the job I have it’s impossible to commit and work through. Occasionally the rare job with the State pops up and they will pay for your Masters and give you time off to actually get it but I haven’t seen one of those in Lubbock yet.

I feel like we’re just drowning here and not going anywhere despite being focused and trying to go. I would love to be there and settled in time for the holidays but with October less than 12 hours away I just don’t see it happening.

When we moved here, we just did it. And everything fell into place and worked out beautifully.

Maybe that’s the approach we need to take with moving back. If we focus and let go of the planning and worry – it might just work out.

Letting go of fear of the unknown is tough.

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