Two months today. For over half of my life – dates have stuck with me. Anniversaries of silly things such as a first kiss, first date, first day of college. I remember those things without needing to be prompted.
When I met Sam – I somehow lost that ability. I can’t tell you when we had our first kiss. Or when we were “official” (well Facebook told me that a few months ago with the whole timeline thing but otherwise I couldn’t tell you…) first I love you. I didn’t keep up. And it turned out better than any relationship I’ve had prior. We finally decided on an “anniversary” for the sake of having one – the day we met. I can’t even tell you what day we got engaged. It’s amazing really. 5 years of my life without keeping up with dates.
But the day I can tell you is August 30th. It’s burned into my brain. I cried on the way to work this morning. How is it possible that she’s only been gone two months but it feels like years since I saw her sweet face? Physical absence is painful. I don’t expect her to greet me anymore. I don’t call out for her when I go to bring Miles in. But I’m keenly aware every single day that something is missing. She is gone.
I’ve had a few dreams in which she’s licking my face. I don’t ever really see her but it’s such a sweet familiar sensation. I don’t wake up with a heavy heart after those dreams. I wake up feeling like something isn’t missing as much. Those days are nice. Part of me wishes it really is her coming to check in. Last week I found one single strand of fur on a dress I bought after she died. I know her fur is probably all over the house but sitting in a pew at court waiting on a hearing it was a nice reminder that she’s always with me.
We’ve adjusted to being a one dog family. It’s strange after being a two dog family for so long. Some days I feel an ache that we need to rescue another dog and other days I can’t imagine bringing one into our lives. Maybe some day.
Thursday is the beginning of a new month. The most hectic month of the year. National Adoption Day is rushing upon me and my already stressful job becomes much more stressful for a few weeks. I’ll be glad once it’s over. And then it’s birthday. And I’m not excited at all.
Last year, my best friend’s father passed away on my birthday. And I know this first anniversary will be painful for him, his family and for me. I loved his dad. He was quirky and sarcastic. I flew to Houston once and his family picked me up at the airport and his dad hugged me. I’ll never forget that moment. They readily accepted me into their family and I’m always grateful for that.
It will be a rough month. And like the past two rough months we will get through it.