Category Archives: Rambling


Two months today. For over half of my life – dates have stuck with me. Anniversaries of silly things such as a first kiss, first date, first day of college. I remember those things without needing to be prompted.

When I met Sam – I somehow lost that ability. I can’t tell you when we had our first kiss. Or when we were “official” (well Facebook told me that a few months ago with the whole timeline thing but otherwise I couldn’t tell you…) first I love you. I didn’t keep up. And it turned out better than any relationship I’ve had prior. We finally decided on an “anniversary” for the sake of having one – the day we met. I can’t even tell you what day we got engaged. It’s amazing really. 5 years of my life without keeping up with dates.

But the day I can tell you is August 30th. It’s burned into my brain. I cried on the way to work this morning. How is it possible that she’s only been gone two months but it feels like years since I saw her sweet face? Physical absence is painful. I don’t expect her to greet me anymore. I don’t call out for her when I go to bring Miles in. But I’m keenly aware every single day that something is missing. She is gone.

I’ve had a few dreams in which she’s licking my face. I don’t ever really see her but it’s such a sweet familiar sensation. I don’t wake up with a heavy heart after those dreams. I wake up feeling like something isn’t missing as much. Those days are nice. Part of me wishes it really is her coming to check in. Last week I found one single strand of fur on a dress I bought after she died. I know her fur is probably all over the house but sitting in a pew at court waiting on a hearing it was a nice reminder that she’s always with me.

We’ve adjusted to being a one dog family. It’s strange after being a two dog family for so long. Some days I feel an ache that we need to rescue another dog and other days I can’t imagine bringing one into our lives. Maybe some day.

Thursday is the beginning of a new month. The most hectic month of the year. National Adoption Day is rushing upon me and my already stressful job becomes much more stressful for a few weeks. I’ll be glad once it’s over. And then it’s birthday. And I’m not excited at all.

Last year, my best friend’s father passed away on my birthday. And I know this first anniversary will be painful for him, his family and for me. I loved his dad. He was quirky and sarcastic. I flew to Houston once and his family picked me up at the airport and his dad hugged me. I’ll never forget that moment. They readily accepted me into their family and I’m always grateful for that.

It will be a rough month. And like the past two rough months we will get through it.

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My journey with endometriosis probably started long before I knew. I struggled with a lot of issues and finally had surgery in June of 2004 that warranted a diagnosis of endometriosis and a horrendous decision to try Lupron therapy. Menopause at 19 was not fun! Nor was hearing I may never be able to have children without intervention.

Another surgery in 2006 actually brought relief for a time and now with an IUD after the birth of my daughter in 2008 my symptoms are manageable for the most part.

I cannot believe medical professionals are wasting time on studies like this one instead of looking for a cure, or less invasive forms of treatment. My battle with endometriosis really defined my early years of college and not in a good way. I was sick and in pain a lot. At times I truly felt crazy after several doctors didn’t take me seriously. I finally found a fertility specialist who did.

I still have some issues – last year a large endometrioma cyst ruptured and landed me in the hospital. Thankfully nothing is as severe as it used to be.

I used to stay up to date on treatments and research. Now as a mom with other responsibilities I haven’t really been.

Maybe I should just be thankful that it’s not debilitating like it used to be.

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My favorite season is among us. I love fall.

Here’s why:

Sweater weather. Crisp nights. Fireplaces. Hot chocolate. Crunchy leaves. Smores. Snuggly blankets. Halloween. Pumpkin patches. Pumpkin bread. Pumpkin spice. Pumpkin everything. Lazy nights watching fall TV. Getting back that hour of sleep that was so rudely taken away in the spring. Casseroles. Baking (I pretty much only bake in the fall!) Turkey. Guilt free naps. College football. Halloween! Thanksgiving! Family. Leggings. Scarf wearing. The anticipation build up that Christmas is getting nearer. National Adoption Day. Birthday. My natural hair color becomes acceptable.

Oh happy magical fall.

I am so thankful you’re almost here.

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