Category Archives: Uncategorized

New year, new blog.

I’ve moved (switched?) blogs. After Penny got sick and this became a day to day of coping with losing her and then her death it’s just gotten to be a reminder I don’t need right now. So with a new year starting – a new blog. Feel free to add 365 Days of Thankful.

Nanowrimo.

I wanted to do it in college which of course would have been the best time.

I didn’t.

I’m doing it now.

Let’s go!

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Angst.

I suppose life gets in the way of blogging sometimes.

Tonight we’re carving pumpkins. The last time I remember trying that is when I was 3 or 4. I have very vague memories.

I’ve been sitting here angsty today wanting to complain about my mother in law but somehow tonight I can’t muster the energy.

I am so, so ready to move. I think I’ve scored an interview with a private agency that I generally would be super excited about except I fear that I would have to leave Sam behind for awhile if I took it and I’m not sure I really want to do that. But I also think that if I don’t push him to go, he will drag his feet even though he is the one who really.really.really wants to move home.

I do too.

Blegh.

 

 

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Sorting.

Emotionally worn out. It’s the “busy” time of year at work which means 50 times worse than normal – which is already busy. What I do is important and I’m proud of that but some days it just seems like… too much.

I’ve really tried to get my feelings wrapped up the past few days. I still miss Penny like crazy and it still feels weird without her. Katelyn is going through a particularly trying phase that leaves me exhausted. We got a lot of work done around the house this weekend so at least there is some hope of getting out of here soon.

I know moving won’t fix all of our problems but I think we are in desperate need of a “fresh start.”

Work related more than anything. I have no desire to re-commit myself to the state for 5 more years. February will be my 5th year and I’ve been tenured since I pretty much started.

It takes away family time. There are frequent early mornings and late nights. Tomorrow I’m planning on being on the road at 6 am just to avoid getting home late. The bottom line is that sometimes it’s just too much.

 

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I am second.

All of this upheaval lately has me really soul searching.

We don’t go to church. Katelyn is enrolled at a Pre-K in a church. I’ve been thankful for that because she’s learned a lot about God and Jesus that way without me stumbling about how to talk to her about it in age appropriate ways.

I believe in God. I pray daily. I don’t know if that’s “enough” but for me it’s always felt like enough.

But lately I’ve felt so conflicted. I’ve been so angry. Life seems unfair. And exhausting.

With my job – I give. And give. And give. With little appreciation in return.

I mean, I’m sure it’s there but most of the kids I work with hate me now. Maybe when they’re older they’ll look back and think “Hey I had that one social worker that one time that didn’t suck..”

 

But the truth is – I do suck. There’s too much to do all the time to be “good” at what I do. Too much paperwork, too much time in court, too many things happening at once to get through them all.

Work spills into home and then I feel like a horrible mother. My phone rings at least once a night when we are home. Often more than that. Most of the time the calls can be ignored until the next day but some cannot. And that is when Katelyn gets upset.

And home spills into work. There are days I need to stay late but can’t because I have to pick K up from school. Sam rarely gets off work in time.

And then resentment spills into home. Sam works a lot. So I am parenting, alone, a lot.

It’s hard. It’s hard not to be angry. Katelyn loves him but is so attached to me that even when he’s home she runs to me.

So I give and give and give. And there is nothing left for me.

We’ve taken off several days this week to try and reconnect as a family. I really feel like everything is at stake right now. We’re so exhausted that the love we all have for one another is masked by everything else.

This morning I’ve been reading the I am Second website and watching videos. Something is missing in my life. And beyond the hole Penny has left in my heart – I know it’s deeper than that. I need to reconnect with God.

So this morning, I’ll reconnect with God. This afternoon we will spend time together and re-prioritize.

There’s more to life than stress. We just have to get there.

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Today was a good day.

Until I got called “fucking” and “stupid.”

 

I know I shouldn’t be offended because that person is incredibly mentally ill but really.

I need an out. I need one soon.

Before I’m mentally ill too.

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Penny.

It’s been two weeks since the last good night with Penny. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I had to say goodbye.

It’s been one week since Penny “came home.” It’s been one week since I’ve broken down in tears.

And tonight I sobbed. I sobbed and gasped for air. When will I stop expecting her to come running when I get home? I really feel like this is all a horrible nightmare and I will just wake up and she will be here.

I think I’m back in the denial phase. I actually took a college class about the stages of grief. I hate that I can pinpoint the exact “stage” when I’m in it.

I think I would give almost anything to have just one more good day with Penny.

I’m so glad Miles is getting better. The time I spend with him makes me feel closer to her and it makes the bleeding hole in my heart feel less pronounced.

8 years is a long time to love. 8 years is a lot of days of kisses and tail wagging.

I don’t think I will ever get over her.

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I really wish I had something positive to write about on this thing.

 

That’s how you come to the soul crushing conclusion that your life sucks right – nothing good to blog about?

My dog is dead, my job is stressful, my kid has hit what I can only describe as the Dear-Jesus-help-us-please-I’m scared 4 year old phase.

Although I am mentally patting myself on the back for checking my work e-mail after hours tonight and avoiding 3 hours of driving for no reason tomorrow.

Little blessings I suppose.

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When it rains, it pours.

Yesterday was one week since Penny left. I’ve stopped sobbing most of the time. The fact that Miles is sick has kind of forced me out of it. 

We went back for his re-check on Wednesday and had an X-ray and lab work. X-ray did not look good.  Lab work looked worse. Our vet advised he needed to stay. I did not sob. I asked if he would make it. She said it was too soon to tell. 

I walked in with my last living dog. I walked out with a gift bag of Penny’s ashes. 

When we got home I managed to get up enough courage to look inside. A cremation certificate, a candle, a letter and the Rainbow Bridge poem. And a beautiful tiny box that contained my girl. Katelyn immediately asked to see inside the box and we struggled to tell her what cremation is. We opened it.

And they were beautiful. 

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen ashes. I wasn’t sure what to expect. But they were Penny.

I was glad to have her home.

That night was rough because I was worried Miles would not survive the night.

I began calling the vet at 8 am and kept getting the answering service. Finally around 8:40 they answered. I was cautioned that he made it through the night but did not look good. He would have the ultrasound soon.

I had to go to a parent teacher conference at Katelyn’s school (who knew they start in a 4 year old class?!) and after I went to the vet to visit. I was again cautioned at the door that he has not gotten up. 

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I walked into the room cautiously. I got on the floor in front of his cage. He stood up, tail wagging. The tech opened the door. He flew out into my arms knocking me over with kisses. His tummy had to be shaved for the ultrasound and he was embarrased by the lack of fur. We hung out for nearly an hour. He kept staring at the door and then at me. Ready to go home. 

The vet got back from lunch and said she was glad to see him up. Maybe he was pouting more than he was feeling bad. The ultrasound was better than we expected. No tumors, no blockage. His gall bladder and pancreas are swollen but not horribly. 

And he had to stay.

Katelyn and I came to Lubbock last night to dog/house sit for Mike. As guilty as I felt leaving Miles I know I needed to get away. It’s been nice to hang out with Banner.

And now I’m anxiously awaiting the vet’s office to open again – to see if he made it another night.

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