Tag Archives: adoption

Twenty.Eight

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I suppose I can use the excuse that life got in the way.

November is the biggest month for me at work due to National Adoption Awareness month and National Adoption Day. What that means is that I work longer hours, work harder, and have more paperwork than the average bear. And then when it’s over, it’s just over.

I’m two days away from my birthday and although I didn’t expect it to be a “tough” year – today is proving otherwise. I feel like I am barreling ahead into my 30s and it’s making me feel almost claustrophobic.

28. 28. 28.

It seems like such a weird number. Last year, my best friend’s dad died on my birthday. I feel like it will never be the same. So with that weight on my chest with it being the first anniversary of his passing and the fact that I’m getting older and I’m just not where I thought I would be at this time – I want to run. Run far, far away.

When I was 18 or so I had this timeline concocted about what my life was going to be like. I was going to graduate college around 22 (accomplished that at least!) get my masters, travel a lot, get married around 27 and have a baby at 30 after I had time to get my career established. My superprise baby at 24 definitely through a wrench in it. A professor once told me that a timeline serves one purpose with that being it sets you up for failure. Life finds a way to get in the way – every time.

I do need to clarify that I would never trade my daughter for anything – but some days I do wonder what life would look like had it gone differently. Her dad is a wonderful guy but we feel more like roommates most of the time. He makes me laugh hysterically and he is so good to her but the “fireworks” are gone. Maybe that’s normal at this point in a relationship. We’ve been engaged for years but cannot commit to a date or even begin to plan a wedding because we say life gets in the way. Maybe that’s just an excuse.

I feel like an asshole for feeling ungrateful. We are very blessed. We have our own home, salaries that support us, great friends and extended family. But it’s just not what I though my life would be like at 28.

I’m okay with the discord I’m feeling. I was so hopeful at 27 until that earth shattering phone call came. I know it will pass. I’ll work on my birthday and it will be the same routine it always is that night. And Wednesday will feel like any other Wednesday. And I’ll go on. We’ll go on.

I just need to find that spark again. Figure out who I am. And where I need to be.

 

 

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2.

Two months today. For over half of my life – dates have stuck with me. Anniversaries of silly things such as a first kiss, first date, first day of college. I remember those things without needing to be prompted.

When I met Sam – I somehow lost that ability. I can’t tell you when we had our first kiss. Or when we were “official” (well Facebook told me that a few months ago with the whole timeline thing but otherwise I couldn’t tell you…) first I love you. I didn’t keep up. And it turned out better than any relationship I’ve had prior. We finally decided on an “anniversary” for the sake of having one – the day we met. I can’t even tell you what day we got engaged. It’s amazing really. 5 years of my life without keeping up with dates.

But the day I can tell you is August 30th. It’s burned into my brain. I cried on the way to work this morning. How is it possible that she’s only been gone two months but it feels like years since I saw her sweet face? Physical absence is painful. I don’t expect her to greet me anymore. I don’t call out for her when I go to bring Miles in. But I’m keenly aware every single day that something is missing. She is gone.

I’ve had a few dreams in which she’s licking my face. I don’t ever really see her but it’s such a sweet familiar sensation. I don’t wake up with a heavy heart after those dreams. I wake up feeling like something isn’t missing as much. Those days are nice. Part of me wishes it really is her coming to check in. Last week I found one single strand of fur on a dress I bought after she died. I know her fur is probably all over the house but sitting in a pew at court waiting on a hearing it was a nice reminder that she’s always with me.

We’ve adjusted to being a one dog family. It’s strange after being a two dog family for so long. Some days I feel an ache that we need to rescue another dog and other days I can’t imagine bringing one into our lives. Maybe some day.

Thursday is the beginning of a new month. The most hectic month of the year. National Adoption Day is rushing upon me and my already stressful job becomes much more stressful for a few weeks. I’ll be glad once it’s over. And then it’s birthday. And I’m not excited at all.

Last year, my best friend’s father passed away on my birthday. And I know this first anniversary will be painful for him, his family and for me. I loved his dad. He was quirky and sarcastic. I flew to Houston once and his family picked me up at the airport and his dad hugged me. I’ll never forget that moment. They readily accepted me into their family and I’m always grateful for that.

It will be a rough month. And like the past two rough months we will get through it.

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Calm.

After the storm – literally.

We had a nice thunderstorm pass through earlier.

I’ve always loved the rain. My 4 year old personal meteorologist predicts it and prays for it a lot. We spend most of our time during storms outside basking in it – thunder or not. Tonight we danced on the deck and thanked God for the rain. Being in the middle of a horrendous drought in West Texas – it’s always a welcome sight.

As much as I love the middle of a storm – I love the quiet, clean feeling post storm.

I’m sitting here with this most peaceful, settled feeling that I’ve had in weeks. And I’m trying to enjoy every second.

A few months ago I went through something very challenging at work. I cried, I fought, I prayed. And nothing short of divine intervention happened.

And today it all ended in the most perfect way possible. A very sick little guy got a second chance at life and a family was complete. Even playing a small role in it – my heart is beaming with pride. There’s an undeniable period of excitement in me after an adoption. If only I could have them every day.

Being able to take part in these adoptions with kids that thought they would never be able to love or be loved again is truly a blessing. And as exhausting and stressful as it gets at times – it is so very rewarding. Some day I will be able to move on from this and know that I did really make a difference – even if it was just for one of them. One is enough for me. And my sweet sick baby might be the one.

After driving nearly 800 miles since starting out at 6 am yesterday I am exhausted. Emotionally, physically. My family needs me, I need me.

There’s only so much of me that I can give.

So some day this must end. For my sanity – for theirs.

But for tonight I will sit here quietly and count my blessings. I am blessed. We are blessed.

Life is good.

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The kitten conundrum.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a sucker for animals. Every cat I’ve ever had started out as a stray. Well, with the exception of Roxy. She was a stray who made it to the SPCA and then I adopted her.

Another one has found me. We have several squirrels that live in our neighborhood and hang out in our front yard every day. I came home for lunch last week and thought one of them was laying by one of the trees. By the time I made it up the stairs to the front door, this “squirrel” had beat me to it. Said squirrel was actually a kitten. A really strange looking kitten. I told it to hang on and I would bring it some food. It ran in the house.

And in the house it stayed. Sam is very adamant about no more pets. I get it. When he came home, he was less than pleased to see the cat.

Roxy – the resident cat – is weird. When I adopted her, her card said she and her siblings were brought to the SPCA at around 3 to 4 weeks old and that the mother had died. They were immediately put on food and not bottle fed. When we got her, she was estimated to be 6 to 8 weeks old. She was very friendly for the first couple of months but now she’s turned into what I lovingly refer to as “strange” cat. She does not like to have her litter box cleaned, she does not like affection. She prefers Sam and is more affectionate with him but even that is limited.

Stray kitten is the total opposite. She loves to be loved. She follows me around like a puppy and has even managed to crawl up my leg to ride around on my shoulder when walking. The first day Roxy wanted nothing to do with her. By day 2 Roxy was captivated. She does not let stray kitten out of her sight. They lay near each other, purring. She follows her through the house with a strange look. When stray kitten plays, Roxy gets excited. I still separate them during feedings and if we aren’t home but they have free range together now and we haven’t had any fights.

Maybe Roxy needed a cat friend. Penny loves Roxy but I don’t think it’s the same.

I had been watching online for lost cat posts because I doubt she’s feral since she is so friendly. We do have a feral family in the alley with 3 kittens and she is around the same size so I suppose it is possible that she decided people weren’t half bad.

Poor girl will eat anything. ANYTHING. Coffee grounds? Yum. Dog food – excellent! Juice? Yay. Yogurt – more, more, more! Roxy has never acted interested in people food, nor have cats in my past. This is a whole new ball game for me!

I’m hopeful after she realizes that cat food comes regularly and in large quantities that she will stop scrounging around for food.

She likes to be held and rocked like a baby.

Sam and I haven’t discussed keeping her since she showed up Thursday and he said no. I think now he’s warming up to the idea as I’ve seen him loving on her occasionally (when he thinks we are not looking…)

I don’t want to be a cat lady, but I’m pretty sure this girl adopted me.

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