Tag Archives: birthday

After-party.

I cried myself to sleep the night I turned 28. I had opted to work and since my birthday generally falls close to (or on) Thanksgiving – I think this is the first time I’ve ever worked on my birthday. Katelyn opened my presents while I was getting ready. I cried on the way to work. I missed my dog. I was sad for my friend and his family. It did not start out well.

I holed up in my office and got a lot of work done. It was quiet. No one around the office knew or remembered it was my birthday.

I met my mom and my grandmother for lunch. We had cake and candles that night. Katelyn, of course, blew them all out.

Once you become a mom – your birthday is no longer your birthday. I definitely had a “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” experience. It wasn’t fun and I wasn’t proud of it.

And then something happened.

Yesterday I woke up with a renewed sense of self. It felt almost like the sweet fresh promise of New Year’s Day.

I am 28.

My life has not gone how I had planned. But I have everything I need.

I felt recharged and fearless. There is a lot to take on in this world and I still have time and the energy for it. I spent two hours this morning cleaning my office. Eventually we will move and I will leave it all behind. That, dear readers, will be a good day.

Today I’m feeling a little less optimistic. But there are 10 days off looming ahead for Christmas and I am so, so ready for them.

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Twenty.Eight

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I suppose I can use the excuse that life got in the way.

November is the biggest month for me at work due to National Adoption Awareness month and National Adoption Day. What that means is that I work longer hours, work harder, and have more paperwork than the average bear. And then when it’s over, it’s just over.

I’m two days away from my birthday and although I didn’t expect it to be a “tough” year – today is proving otherwise. I feel like I am barreling ahead into my 30s and it’s making me feel almost claustrophobic.

28. 28. 28.

It seems like such a weird number. Last year, my best friend’s dad died on my birthday. I feel like it will never be the same. So with that weight on my chest with it being the first anniversary of his passing and the fact that I’m getting older and I’m just not where I thought I would be at this time – I want to run. Run far, far away.

When I was 18 or so I had this timeline concocted about what my life was going to be like. I was going to graduate college around 22 (accomplished that at least!) get my masters, travel a lot, get married around 27 and have a baby at 30 after I had time to get my career established. My superprise baby at 24 definitely through a wrench in it. A professor once told me that a timeline serves one purpose with that being it sets you up for failure. Life finds a way to get in the way – every time.

I do need to clarify that I would never trade my daughter for anything – but some days I do wonder what life would look like had it gone differently. Her dad is a wonderful guy but we feel more like roommates most of the time. He makes me laugh hysterically and he is so good to her but the “fireworks” are gone. Maybe that’s normal at this point in a relationship. We’ve been engaged for years but cannot commit to a date or even begin to plan a wedding because we say life gets in the way. Maybe that’s just an excuse.

I feel like an asshole for feeling ungrateful. We are very blessed. We have our own home, salaries that support us, great friends and extended family. But it’s just not what I though my life would be like at 28.

I’m okay with the discord I’m feeling. I was so hopeful at 27 until that earth shattering phone call came. I know it will pass. I’ll work on my birthday and it will be the same routine it always is that night. And Wednesday will feel like any other Wednesday. And I’ll go on. We’ll go on.

I just need to find that spark again. Figure out who I am. And where I need to be.

 

 

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Birthday letter to my (not so) Little.

Katelyn Anne,

Tomorrow you will be 4 years old. 4 years ago tonight I was pacing our house nervously staring at my bulging baby belly trying not to panic about my looming C-section. I was technically supposed to be on bed rest but at that point I just couldn’t stay still. I remember sleeping about 2 hours that night because I was so excited to meet you. I was worried about the surgery, I was worried about myself, but most of all I was worried that my body was no longer a safe place for you. I couldn’t believe it was finally time to meet you. And I have to admit I was a little excited that your very large baby head would no longer be stuck in my ribs.

It was a long horribly scheduled morning with more waiting and eventually panicking nurses because my blood pressure was so high they thought I was going to have a stroke.

And it was finally time. Your dad and I walked down the hall and close behind were Mimi, Papa and Grandpa Tom and Grandma Susan. Everyone was so anxious and ready to meet you.

Daddy didn’t get to go back with me while they got me ready for the surgery and I think that was the scariest few minutes of my life. They got me ready and had me on the table and I told the anesthesiologist I thought I was feeling nauseated and then they flipped me over and it was pretty much a blur.

Daddy came in and sat with me. Your dad swore he would not look (he has a weak stomach sometimes as you now know…) and I looked up and could see the reflection of my prepped belly in the lights above me so I told Daddy to make me look at him. Once they got started, Daddy lost his mind and stood up to watch.

Daddy saw the whole thing. Surprisingly he was not that traumatized. Pretty soon my doctor was saying “big butt!” and I was warned I would feel some pain when they lifted my ribs and you were out. And you cried. And I cried.

I barely got to see your nose before they made you and Daddy leave. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. So much more beautiful than I had ever pictured you would be.

And in that second I saw your nose I knew I was more in love with you than any person or thing that I’ve ever loved.

And then I didn’t see you again for almost 8 hours.

The next time we met, it was love.

And it’s never stopped.

Every day you’ve done something that’s made me smile and laugh. You are one of the most intelligent kids I’ve ever met (and that’s not even me being biased!) You are funny, you are strong willed and I cannot wait to watch you grow up to be the amazing woman I know you will be.

I’ve tried to enjoy every day, every milestone because I know life moves so fast. And to think Mommy never believed people when they said how fast children grew up until I had you.

It’s bittersweet for me because you’ll probably be my only little and I think that’s made me selfish sometimes because I just don’t want you to grow up too fast.

I want you to run and play and be captivated by rain, and stars, and everything you think is magical right now. Pretty soon you’ll be old enough to think that I’m not silly anymore and I think that’s probably when I’ll know I’ve done a good job. You are such an amazing child (I can’t say toddler anymore!) and I am so, so proud of you.

And I can’t wait to see all of the amazing things you will learn and do now that you’re 4!

Happy Birthday my not so little anymore.

 

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How do you eat an elephant?

Apparently, one bite at a time.

So why, why, why do I feel like work is shoving the whole thing down my throat?

On one hand, having my awesomeness acknowledged not once but twice in the past few months is nice – it also means that I am first in line to take on large projects. Large media heavy projects.

Said project is something I just don’t think I have time for.

Not only am I gagging on more responsibility – I was LATE picking my child up. Late, late, late. Worst mom ever. I have not ever once been late. I drove fast. I ran down the hallway. I cried. She was fine. Mom fail.

To top that off – it’s the Daddy person’s birthday. Our present project failed miserably so it’s going to have to be late. And he has to work late today.

I got up early to make a special birthday breakfast. Waffles using his grandmother’s treasured recipe. He is normally in charge of waffles so I was apprehensive at best. K was not shy and not so politely told me “they are really yucky Mom!” I used a cookie cutter to cut them into hearts to make them seem a little bit more special than your average terrible waffles. We had to leave before Sam ate his so no idea if he liked them or not. I didn’t get to see him at lunch because I had to be out of town for work. And now he won’t be home until 8 (or later) and I have no energy to make dinner or any idea what he may even want for dinner.

So overwhelmed.

 

Edit: at least the dogs liked the waffles. They never let me down!

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