Tag Archives: tears

After-party.

I cried myself to sleep the night I turned 28. I had opted to work and since my birthday generally falls close to (or on) Thanksgiving – I think this is the first time I’ve ever worked on my birthday. Katelyn opened my presents while I was getting ready. I cried on the way to work. I missed my dog. I was sad for my friend and his family. It did not start out well.

I holed up in my office and got a lot of work done. It was quiet. No one around the office knew or remembered it was my birthday.

I met my mom and my grandmother for lunch. We had cake and candles that night. Katelyn, of course, blew them all out.

Once you become a mom – your birthday is no longer your birthday. I definitely had a “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” experience. It wasn’t fun and I wasn’t proud of it.

And then something happened.

Yesterday I woke up with a renewed sense of self. It felt almost like the sweet fresh promise of New Year’s Day.

I am 28.

My life has not gone how I had planned. But I have everything I need.

I felt recharged and fearless. There is a lot to take on in this world and I still have time and the energy for it. I spent two hours this morning cleaning my office. Eventually we will move and I will leave it all behind. That, dear readers, will be a good day.

Today I’m feeling a little less optimistic. But there are 10 days off looming ahead for Christmas and I am so, so ready for them.

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Penny.

It’s been two weeks since the last good night with Penny. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I had to say goodbye.

It’s been one week since Penny “came home.” It’s been one week since I’ve broken down in tears.

And tonight I sobbed. I sobbed and gasped for air. When will I stop expecting her to come running when I get home? I really feel like this is all a horrible nightmare and I will just wake up and she will be here.

I think I’m back in the denial phase. I actually took a college class about the stages of grief. I hate that I can pinpoint the exact “stage” when I’m in it.

I think I would give almost anything to have just one more good day with Penny.

I’m so glad Miles is getting better. The time I spend with him makes me feel closer to her and it makes the bleeding hole in my heart feel less pronounced.

8 years is a long time to love. 8 years is a lot of days of kisses and tail wagging.

I don’t think I will ever get over her.

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