Tag Archives: tired

Angst.

I suppose life gets in the way of blogging sometimes.

Tonight we’re carving pumpkins. The last time I remember trying that is when I was 3 or 4. I have very vague memories.

I’ve been sitting here angsty today wanting to complain about my mother in law but somehow tonight I can’t muster the energy.

I am so, so ready to move. I think I’ve scored an interview with a private agency that I generally would be super excited about except I fear that I would have to leave Sam behind for awhile if I took it and I’m not sure I really want to do that. But I also think that if I don’t push him to go, he will drag his feet even though he is the one who really.really.really wants to move home.

I do too.

Blegh.

 

 

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Sorting.

Emotionally worn out. It’s the “busy” time of year at work which means 50 times worse than normal – which is already busy. What I do is important and I’m proud of that but some days it just seems like… too much.

I’ve really tried to get my feelings wrapped up the past few days. I still miss Penny like crazy and it still feels weird without her. Katelyn is going through a particularly trying phase that leaves me exhausted. We got a lot of work done around the house this weekend so at least there is some hope of getting out of here soon.

I know moving won’t fix all of our problems but I think we are in desperate need of a “fresh start.”

Work related more than anything. I have no desire to re-commit myself to the state for 5 more years. February will be my 5th year and I’ve been tenured since I pretty much started.

It takes away family time. There are frequent early mornings and late nights. Tomorrow I’m planning on being on the road at 6 am just to avoid getting home late. The bottom line is that sometimes it’s just too much.

 

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Upheaval.

The one thing that never changes about where I work is that everything is always changing. Policy changes, turn over is high, morale is low.

Well, that last one may never change.

There are a lot of huge changes coming now though. Whole units are potentially losing their jobs as the State goes through “redesign.”

What that means for me unfortunately is even more responsibility. And the thought of more responsibility is making me cringe. I already have way too much going on.

So, what do I do? Start job shopping, naturally.

There are a few decent job prospects in Lubbock so I went ahead and submitted my resume. I doubt any of these places will wait months for us to move but perhaps it would be a good incentive to get on with it.

I am tired of my job dictating every aspect of my life. I’m tired of pacifying people. I’m tired of my phone ringing. And ringing. And ringing. Even when I’m too sick to even drag myself off of the couch e-mails are piling up, voice mail is full, and lives are crumbling. It’s an awesome responsibility and one I think I’m tired of having.

This has happened before and I haven’t been that directly affected by it. I’ve watched whole areas of programs crumble and people get shuffled around – some willing, most not.

I refuse to be shuffled. And I refuse to have extra responsibilities thrown at me when I can’t even keep up with my own.

I may be changing the world one child at a time – but maybe the children I’ve already helped is enough.

I don’t want to feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack every day. It just isn’t worth it.

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And how was your week?

I was looking forward to this week if only because it was a 4 day work week. This morning I vowed to turn off my cell phone this weekend and take a real break from work because that rarely happens. I need to enjoy my kiddo and the daddy person and just. be. I really need to start reminding myself that the one consistent thing in my life is that things never go quite as planned…

My inspection sticker expired in April and I literally have not had any time to get it done. In all of my multi-tasking glory I took it to an oil change/inspection place that’s about a block from my office. Asked if I could drop it off for the inspection and oil change and come back later. Kid says no problem. I tromp through the hot parking lot mentally patting myself on the back because not only am I getting something done that should have been done months ago –  but I’m also going right back to work and getting caught up. Good plan, good plan.

I go back to get the car about an hour and a half later. It’s sitting in the parking lot with a shiny new sticker so I think all is well. I go inside to pay and another guy comes to check me out. He just charges me for the inspection. Being the decent human being that I am – I remind him I also got my oil changed. He looks at me for a moment and starts to ring it up. I ask if they even changed my oil. He shrugs and asks what car it was again. They did not. At that point there was a two hour wait so I thank him and leave.

Fail.

Now I’m going to spend part of my lazy, pajamas, nothing I have to do today Saturday getting my oil changed.  

Life has been a total roller coaster the past few weeks. I am a tough person mind you. I can handle a lot of stress and a lot of intensity at once and survive. But lately I really feel like I’m going to break. Something as small as that today made me want to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum Katelyn style. Being an adult is hard. Being someone’s mom is harder. And being that someone’s mom while also metaphorically being a mom to 35 other little people is worse. 

Something has got to give. And soon.  

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