Tag Archives: work

Twenty.Eight

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I suppose I can use the excuse that life got in the way.

November is the biggest month for me at work due to National Adoption Awareness month and National Adoption Day. What that means is that I work longer hours, work harder, and have more paperwork than the average bear. And then when it’s over, it’s just over.

I’m two days away from my birthday and although I didn’t expect it to be a “tough” year – today is proving otherwise. I feel like I am barreling ahead into my 30s and it’s making me feel almost claustrophobic.

28. 28. 28.

It seems like such a weird number. Last year, my best friend’s dad died on my birthday. I feel like it will never be the same. So with that weight on my chest with it being the first anniversary of his passing and the fact that I’m getting older and I’m just not where I thought I would be at this time – I want to run. Run far, far away.

When I was 18 or so I had this timeline concocted about what my life was going to be like. I was going to graduate college around 22 (accomplished that at least!) get my masters, travel a lot, get married around 27 and have a baby at 30 after I had time to get my career established. My superprise baby at 24 definitely through a wrench in it. A professor once told me that a timeline serves one purpose with that being it sets you up for failure. Life finds a way to get in the way – every time.

I do need to clarify that I would never trade my daughter for anything – but some days I do wonder what life would look like had it gone differently. Her dad is a wonderful guy but we feel more like roommates most of the time. He makes me laugh hysterically and he is so good to her but the “fireworks” are gone. Maybe that’s normal at this point in a relationship. We’ve been engaged for years but cannot commit to a date or even begin to plan a wedding because we say life gets in the way. Maybe that’s just an excuse.

I feel like an asshole for feeling ungrateful. We are very blessed. We have our own home, salaries that support us, great friends and extended family. But it’s just not what I though my life would be like at 28.

I’m okay with the discord I’m feeling. I was so hopeful at 27 until that earth shattering phone call came. I know it will pass. I’ll work on my birthday and it will be the same routine it always is that night. And Wednesday will feel like any other Wednesday. And I’ll go on. We’ll go on.

I just need to find that spark again. Figure out who I am. And where I need to be.

 

 

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Sorting.

Emotionally worn out. It’s the “busy” time of year at work which means 50 times worse than normal – which is already busy. What I do is important and I’m proud of that but some days it just seems like… too much.

I’ve really tried to get my feelings wrapped up the past few days. I still miss Penny like crazy and it still feels weird without her. Katelyn is going through a particularly trying phase that leaves me exhausted. We got a lot of work done around the house this weekend so at least there is some hope of getting out of here soon.

I know moving won’t fix all of our problems but I think we are in desperate need of a “fresh start.”

Work related more than anything. I have no desire to re-commit myself to the state for 5 more years. February will be my 5th year and I’ve been tenured since I pretty much started.

It takes away family time. There are frequent early mornings and late nights. Tomorrow I’m planning on being on the road at 6 am just to avoid getting home late. The bottom line is that sometimes it’s just too much.

 

Tagged , , , ,

Today was a good day.

Until I got called “fucking” and “stupid.”

 

I know I shouldn’t be offended because that person is incredibly mentally ill but really.

I need an out. I need one soon.

Before I’m mentally ill too.

Tagged , ,

How do you eat an elephant?

Apparently, one bite at a time.

So why, why, why do I feel like work is shoving the whole thing down my throat?

On one hand, having my awesomeness acknowledged not once but twice in the past few months is nice – it also means that I am first in line to take on large projects. Large media heavy projects.

Said project is something I just don’t think I have time for.

Not only am I gagging on more responsibility – I was LATE picking my child up. Late, late, late. Worst mom ever. I have not ever once been late. I drove fast. I ran down the hallway. I cried. She was fine. Mom fail.

To top that off – it’s the Daddy person’s birthday. Our present project failed miserably so it’s going to have to be late. And he has to work late today.

I got up early to make a special birthday breakfast. Waffles using his grandmother’s treasured recipe. He is normally in charge of waffles so I was apprehensive at best. K was not shy and not so politely told me “they are really yucky Mom!” I used a cookie cutter to cut them into hearts to make them seem a little bit more special than your average terrible waffles. We had to leave before Sam ate his so no idea if he liked them or not. I didn’t get to see him at lunch because I had to be out of town for work. And now he won’t be home until 8 (or later) and I have no energy to make dinner or any idea what he may even want for dinner.

So overwhelmed.

 

Edit: at least the dogs liked the waffles. They never let me down!

Tagged , , , ,